Vulnerbility

It's November 1st. Wtf? I can't believe we are this far into the year already. October was a blur. Yet, for some reason, it always is for me. October always hold some major changes for me. October 26th was my one year anniversary here at TED. I can't grasp I have only been here a year and can't believe a year passed so quickly, simultaneously. And, I was in San Fran for a conference, and so much nonsense happened... BUT it kinda put me in the eyes of higher ups more and now I'm invited to all these meetings cause people want me "input". Plus one of my best friends are born in October, so I will say its def a favorite month of mine.

Ok, so as I am here, back at work after a day off, trying to avoid being productive, I decided to do my new moon intentions before tackling this email. I'm still kinda drained from last week and the weekend and I was just not inspired so I was actually procrastinating with the email. The new moon ritual is the exact opposite of the full moon one I mentioned in a previous posts. And, I went to MysticxLipstick page (can you tell I'm obsessed with her?), and ever so often she writes up suggested intentions that coincide with the meaning of the moon (also will be posted).

...All my moon energy non-believers... stay with me, I'm going somewhere less hippy dippy with this...

I usually do her intentions plus make up some of my own. But she read my life. I pretty much didn't have to do anything extra. Her main focus was vulnerability and intimacy. I'm sure I've said it on these emails... but those are my two biggest fears. I have such a hard time being vulnerable/intimate with people, because if they leave or use it against me, I will be heartbroken (I know from experience... this isn't a theory). Nothing hurts like someone working to gain your trust and when they gain it, they abandon you. I'm sure I also have abandonment issues... but baby steps. I've been with men for years and they knew only superficial parts of me and my life. Friends I've lost have broken my heart more than any lover (paraphrase from my soulmate).

How I'm supposed to be vulnerable when there is no promise the person is gonna stay? How? HOW?

As I got deeper and more real in my being a better person journey, deliberately opening up to people without the fear of abandonment or rejection has been something I knew I had to tackle. I always say I don't think anyone really 100% know me, even my closest friends, but as I got older, I realized it's no ones fault but my own. I always was the type to feel alone in a room full of people (though I played it off well if I do say so myself), and then I realized, I only felt that way cause I separated myself to avoid awkwardness, and the exposed feeling of opening up.

What's the point of all of this? Nothing really. You know I don't got the answers.... I work in customer experience, not psychology. However, I'm sharing this because I think (hope) that I am not the only one. I think our generation (and maybe the one above us - hence high divorce rates) is so scared of being hurt, we aren't 100% genuine and we are building relationships on an incomplete foundations. As you look at things you can work on to be a better you, especially for the New Year, look at being comfortable with being open, and not fearing vulnerability. Its one of the cores of being human.

One more thing, if you realize someone is being vulnerable with you, don't abuse that power please. Also, your vulnerability is a gift that not everyone deserves, so you don't have to open up to everyone (guess that two more things huh?). 

Ok that's all. Be gentle with each other and yourselves.