I think about my funeral a lot. (Yea, we are going here).
Note:
So this email is in no way a cry for help, depression or whateva. I'm
actually the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. If you had even
a twinge of concern, thank you but chill. lmao
Like
my death in general, but not dying because I'm scared (cause I'm
honestly not. I think I live my best life and I am not a malicious
person and I am pretty positive God sees my efforts so heaven is a
strong possible and the thought of not having to pay Sallie Mae no more
is lit). I think about how my death will affect those around me. I even
think about how people would feel/reaction if they get a call saying I
was in a the hospital and they weren't sure if I'd make it. I know, it's
sick.
I
guess if we are trying to look at it positively, what will my legacy or
impact be. I literally spend nights in bed thinking about the stories
people might share when I can't hear. Wondering what their favorite or
memorable times/attributes about me are. I'm not even sure why. I think
part of it has to do with my Love Language being Words of Affirmations
(in case you missed the "what's your love language"
email). Nothing makes me happier that hearing how I make people feel.
Even if it's not positive because then I can evaluate and change if
necessary. Sounds a bit narcissistic but whatever, you don't get these
emails for me to be fake. My favorite part of my birthday (T-minus 3
days) are the sappy things my friends post and the heartfelt texts and
emails (note: this is not a solicitation of these things. I love them
but only if the person is really compelled to. No pressure lol). I am
also SUPER oblivious so I like direct and clear statements, so knowing
exactly how I impact people's life is just something I obsess over. And
somehow it manifests to a funeral because I'm a real life crazy
Capricorn *insert upside down smiley face emoji here*.
So,
now that y'all know exactly how much of a lunatic I really am, I say
all that to remind y'all a few things that have hit me in the past few
days of pre-32 reflection. The obvious "Give the flowers while they can
still smell them" cliche (but oh so relevant because cliches come from
somewhere). I've lost a friend where the last thing I said to him was me
yelling at him a few days before he committed suicide because he was
being a sloppy and annoying drunk and 10 years later it may be my only
regret. I've lost my grandpa and the last thing I said to him was I love
him and I hold that as one of my best decisions in life. So yea... give
them flowers. Metaphorically and literally (Trader Joe has dope
bouquets for like 6 cash. I get myself one a week.)
But
also, live every day in your legacy. I'm annoying but I don't want to
leave any one's life without making it a touch better than when I
entered it. When I envision my funeral, I imagine a packed church,
people crying (I don't want people to cry but I know its inevitable so
I'm not even telling people not to), and people coming up and sharing
stories about me. Despite the obvious atmosphere of sadness, I want the
church to be filled with love. And I hope the resounding theme is
"Sioban made my life just a little happier to live". Oh and henny. Make.
Sure. There. Is. Henny. And a fire playlist. Thanks.
Hope that wasn't too emo for y'all.
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